Debilitating Fear

November has been an emotional roller coaster. In fact, the week after hearing about our fertility results was the hardest week since my initial diagnosis. A couple of weeks ago I fought a battle so strong that I was left with emotional gashes so deep, I wasn’t sure I would recover. This battle was fear. Debilitating fear.

Have you ever been afraid? I don’t mean afraid that you might fail a test. Or scared that you might not get the job. I’m referring to the fear of dying and leaving the ones you love so deeply. Fear that pulls you into the trenches and twists your mind into wandering around wondering if it’s God’s plan for you to go. In the big picture, yes we will all die at some point, but I’m learning, in no way does God want to inflict us with fear. Let me add something else to the equation. Spiritual warfare…ever heard of it? Better yet, have you ever experienced it? The enemy can have such a stronghold on our minds and will convince us of the wrong thing. He is stronger than we want to admit. A couple of weeks ago, I was convinced. A couple of weeks ago, the devil had such a powerful grip on my mind, that I myself could not release his clutch. He had led my mind down the path of believing it was my time to go. He had escorted me to a place where I nearly lost hope. The enemy was leading me into thoughts of, “Are you sure you’re cancer-free?”, “What if it comes back…your life will be over.” And the hardest, “What is your husband going to do when you’re gone?”

Satan is powerful, and he takes advantage of us when we are vulnerable; Therefore, we must be active in strengthening our spiritual weapons. No matter how hard I prayed, I could not shake the doubt and fear. Sometimes, you must rally up your prayer warriors alongside you and allow them to call out to God on your behalf. The following Sunday after that brutal week, a few of my dear friends, mentors, and prayer soldiers gathered by my side and did just that. They prayed for me. They rebuked the enemy and his stronghold. They prayed to Jesus that His mighty hand would wipe away any doubt and fear. They prayed blessings over my life. And you know what? God showed up. He did His part. He answered our prayers. The following week was drastically different. My spiritual weapons had been sharpened and I was ready, willing, able, and strong enough to fight. That next week through this very moment, I am strong and will not allow the enemy to win. I have also discovered a book that has been life-changing for me. I highly recommend it to anyone, including cancer patients, those afflicted with depression, or chronic downers. It’s called “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer. It’s seriously amazing. Believe it.

Here’s some truth: I am not afraid. I am not alone. And, with God, I am victorious.

Ephesians 6:10-18 (The Message)

“And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels. Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.”

Joyce Meyer accompanying me at a CT scan. She joins me everywhere nowadays. (November 2012)

3 Comments on Debilitating Fear

  1. Janice Smith
    November 28, 2012 at 7:48 AM (10 years ago)

    As God showed Himself two weeks ago…He is the same today.

    Very well stated…I love you and you are in our prayers daily.


  2. Denise Gary Shaw Paswaters
    November 28, 2012 at 8:02 AM (10 years ago)

    We’re in the battle with you, on your side, and praising God for victory. I love you, dearest daughter.

  3. Jon Nealis
    November 28, 2012 at 2:47 PM (10 years ago)


Leave a Reply