Posts Tagged ‘#yarally with Stephanie Madsen’

20
Jan
2016

“By The Way, I Have Cancer”… Dating After a Diagnosis

By The Way I Have Cancer PHOTO

(As seen in Cancer Knowledge Network’s, #YARally)

Dating

Finding “the one” in a world of seven billion can be a daunting task. Sifting through people while searching for compatibility, meeting with strangers for awkward conversation, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone you hardly know is not for the faint of heart. As if dating isn’t difficult enough, dating with cancer can prove even more challenging.

Among everyday issues like discovering who we are and what we are meant to do with our lives, young adults face a variety of life changing decisions. We are completing education, paving a way for our future, and stepping into our careers. We are establishing friendships and seeking long term commitment and love. We are eager and expectant and ready to begin the next chapter with someone by our side. Yet as a young adult facing a cancer diagnosis, beginning romantic relationships can be complicated.

When diagnosed as a young adult, dating often gets put on hold. You become engrossed in your treatment plans and immersed in the grief that follows your life-altering news. Though many soon discover that a diagnosis doesn’t have to prevent you from living a fulfilling life, when the time comes to step out into the sea of dating once again, some young adults feel paralyzed about where to begin. Having a cancer diagnosis is like wearing a neon name tag. We stand out. Whether physically, emotionally, or simply by circumstance, we are different than our potential suitors. Therefore, we have a few more things to keep in mind when introducing ourselves.

Choosing when to share your medical history is an important factor to consider when entering a relationship. Sharing a diagnosis on the first date may frighten someone. Waiting too late may cause feelings of betrayal and dishonesty. Many don’t want to be labeled by a diagnosis and want to be seen for more than just a disease, but young adults should be considerate in telling others their medical journey.

Experts state that a safe guideline is to share the news on the third or fourth date. Generally, young adults should share medical history before emotional attachment begins. This allows potential partners to make informed decisions on whether or not to proceed with the relationship. Be open to both possible outcomes. Your date may be uncomfortable with everything that comes with your diagnosis, however, they may be understanding and desire to move forward. As it would be with someone you simply lack chemistry with, be okay with letting someone go. And if your potential mate is interested in continuing a relationship, foster an open and honest conversation about how cancer affects your life.

Cancer affects each young adult differently and no diagnosis, prognosis, nor side effects are the same. Most cancer survivors struggle with changes in their sexuality. Whether it’s sexual function, body image, or self-esteem, many face a multitude of challenges. When sharing your medical history with your partner, be willing to share the facts.

Chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery can cause drastic changes to sexual organs. Heightened skin sensitivity, lower sex drive, and infertility are common among young adults with cancer. Being open with your partner will help guide your relationship into a deeper understanding for one another. Always remember that intimacy is much more than sexual intercourse. Communication, trust, and commitment are conduits to intimacy as much as physical touch is.

Marriage

Some view me as lucky. My husband and I had been married for a year and a half when I received the news that I had an aggressive gynecological cancer. However, the fact that I was already in a healthy, stable, and committed long term relationship upon diagnosis did not make receiving the news or handling the journey easier. Cancer amplifies hurts and wounds, as much as it does love and respect.

Unfortunately, many marriages do not survive the trauma, heartache, loss, and difficulties that cancer brings to the relationship. Couples must work not only to save the life of the person afflicted with the disease, but also to save the life of the marriage. Each individual grieves differently, and my husband and I found ourselves at different ends of the grief scale. At times I would be experiencing deep sadness, but my husband would be experiencing anger. Other moments I would be encouraged, but my husband would be feeling frustration. My husband had hope when I had none and vice versa. Because no two people are identical in emotions and experiences, patience, forgiveness, and love are key in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Four years ago, as my husband and I sat in the car in the hospital parking lot after hearing of my diagnosis, he looked at me and said something so profound it has defined our relationship. “Some may say I didn’t sign up for this, but I did. I vowed to you, ‘in sickness and in health,’ and I’m not giving up on that promise.” Among many reasons why our marriage has thrived amidst this disease is that we simply committed to one another. To love, respect, and hold each other up. Marriages don’t have to fail after a diagnosis. They can thrive and grow into something more beautiful than you thought possible.

Relationships can be fun and they can be challenging. If you are a young adult cancer survivor and are ready to enter into a relationship, remember to be kind to yourself. Though being vulnerable is often more difficult with a diagnosis, dating requires vulnerability. Do not let fear of rejection keep you from finding love, happiness, and a fulfilling long term relationship. Keep in mind that there is someone for everyone, and though you may have to filter through some duds, you can and will find the perfect person for you. If you are a young adult married cancer survivor or spouse, remember to be gentle, patient, and forgiving. Cancer has already taken so much from you, don’t let it steal your love as well.

Philippians 1:9 (MSG)

“So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush.”

07
Jan
2016

Body Image After Cancer

Matt_Stephanie_Couple_Shoot-53

As seen in Cancer Knowledge Network’s, #YARally

“Welcome to Cancerland, here’s your new body. You may notice it looks a little different than your old one, but I can assure you… This is your body. Once you get past the bumps, bruises, scars, and bald head, you’ll realize it’s still you.”

As if I were waking up and looking in the mirror at someone else, I felt overwhelmed shortly after receiving my first cancer-removing surgery. My body was changing right before my eyes and I wasn’t sure I was able to cope with everything. My doctors told me to expect a large scar (from one hip to the other), hair loss, and weight changes. Not only would I have to wrap my mind around a life-threatening diagnosis, but I also would no longer be able to find comfort in the mirror.

I decided to take control and shave my head before the chemo took all of my hair; I wasn’t about to let cancer rip one more thing from my grasp. After my husband shaved the last of my locks, I stood up and looked at the woman staring back at me in the mirror. She resembled me. She had my eyes, but there was new depth to them. She had my smile, but there was new joy to be found within it. She was me, but she wasn’t. Cancer was beginning to change me emotionally, mentally, and physically. Physically, some changes happened within a matter of seconds and others took years to fully develop. My diagnosis ushered in a rebirth. Though my outer self was wasting away, my inner self was being reborn, refined, and celebrated.

Everything that I thought I was, now wasn’t. I didn’t realize that I had labeled myself prior to my cancer diagnosis. I didn’t understand that I had worked hard to uphold an image for many years. Most of today’s society gets too caught up in outward appearances, and I’d be lying to say I didn’t fall victim to that as well. Prior to cancer, I was a healthy, tall blonde in her mid-twenties. I had confidence and felt comfortable in my own skin. I was adventurous and took risks. And most of all, I could predict who looked back at me in the mirror every morning.

Cancer treatments rapidly began my metamorphosis. In the nearly four years that I have battled this disease, I have gained eleven scars. Each one is a visible reminder of the battle waged within my body. From the numerous chemotherapy and radiation treatments, my skin took on a new form. It was dry, cracked, and sometimes bleeding. For almost three years, my head was bald, and my face no longer donned lashes or brows. And while I, like many, assumed I’d lose weight throughout the course of treatment, I gained an astonishing 30 pounds within the first six months. The mirror no longer reflected the healthy young woman that I once was. I soon began staring at the stranger before me. My body looked nothing like it used to and grief, like a tidal wave, flooded my spirit.

Cancer causes pain, suffering, and most of all, grief. Grief comes in many forms and is experienced through many moments in this journey. I grieved the loss of my fertility. I grieved the changes of life. I grieved the dreams that I once had. I grieved the relationships that were lost. I grieved everything, and I still do. Cancer is an F5 tornado that rips through lives without a care as to what it swallows up. Grief is the rubble that remains when the dust clears. Along with the uncountable losses, I deeply grieved my body image. For months, I couldn’t find myself in the mirror. I searched her face, touching her tear-stained cheeks. My fingers traced over each scar in remembrance. Scanning her bald head and her sick, pale, exhausted body, I couldn’t find her. I couldn’t find me.

It wasn’t until I looked beyond the mirror that I discovered myself again. Behind the weight, the scars, the physical changes, and the grief was the woman I’ve always been. She was strong. She was determined. She was ferocious and ready to survive. She was kind and friendly. She had a streak of humor.

My body image evolved from my physical reflection to my inner character. When the outside is stripped away, all that remains is the inside. When a weak, frail, and bald person is looking at you in the mirror, you must acknowledge them. You must honor what they have gone through. You must pay respect to what they are enduring. But you mustn’t stop there. Look beyond what you see. Who are you on the inside? What does your character look like? Cancer will change your body image. But it doesn’t have to change who you are. You are more than your diagnosis. You are more than your reflection.

Proverbs 31: 25 (NLV)

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”

10
Dec
2015

#YARally With Cancer Knowledge Network

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A variety of exciting developments have been stirring lately! If you follow me on Instagram or Twitter, I’m sure you’ve seen posts about my recent business trips to New York City, Orlando, and Houston. I am touched that my story is impacting and inspiring so many, and in turn that I am able to travel and share a message of hope and faith around the world. We were never meant to walk alone and I am passionate about walking beside others in their struggles.

Among several recent ventures, I’m honored to officially announce my partnership with Cancer Knowledge Network. CKN is one of the largest cancer communities in Canada, and their goal is to help bridge the gap between young adult patients and oncologists. Because of the work of CKN and other organizations like Stupid Cancer and Livestrong, the YA (young adult) cancer community is growing in knowledge, understanding, and impact. When a young adult is diagnosed with cancer there is no longer a void of community, as many have rallied together to let the world know that we are not alone.

As the spokesperson and partner of the #YARally campaign with CKN, I’ll be writing several articles on a variety of hot topic issues that affect young adults in the cancer community including but not limited to body image, sexuality and relationships, finances, and fertility. Too often, the communication between doctors and patients is muddled and our goal in this project is to facilitate personal narratives combined with clinical resources in order to bridge the gap. We have recently launched our campaign, and I invite you to join this journey with us. Make sure to follow #YARally on Twitter, as well as my Instagram and Facebook pages in order to stay updated as this project develops. In addition, I will be co-leading Twitter chats and would love to talk with many of you on the topics being discussed in this campaign.

“It is my goal that by partnering with CKN, our voices will be heard where often they are overlooked. I invite you to join me in the movement to shine the spotlight on our generation as  we face challenges many simply do not face. Cancer doesn’t define your life, and I hope to rally beside the men and women of my generation to help pave the way for improved care and heightened awareness.” – Stephanie Madsen

Visit Cancer Knowledge Network’s #YARally with Stephanie Madsen to join the movement! I look forward to opening the conversation and raising further awareness for this critically important young adult community.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (MSG)

“So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind.”